Things you see at 4:00 am

Like many of my friends I work nights and thus I have the misfortune of being awake for a lot more hours than most people and get time to think and write accodingly. These are just reflections on the curent state of everything I have an opinion about.

Friday, April 25, 2008

How to survive a teen slasher flick

Let me preface this a bit first, my wife loves horror esq. teen slasher movies and I place them on my list of worthless Hollywood crap with reality TV and anything involving Paris Hilton or Brittany Spears. So anyway I came home from work today and she is watching Scream 3 and it got me thinking that if this were to ever happen sadly there are probably people out there that are stupid enough to need a guide so here it goes.

Step 1: Be aware of your surroundings; are members of your Football Team/ Cheerleader Squad being found brutally murdered and no one has any idea how the killer is getting away? Brace your self your in a teen slasher flick. Fun tip if the most popular, attractive, or bitchiest person in your school is murdered odds are this is the first in a chain of murders.

Step 2: Find a place in your house that only has one way in our out with solid walls and a door that is very solid preferably solid hard wood not hollow and opens into the room. Make sure this room is large enough for 3 people to be in continuously.

Step 3: If you don't have firearms in your house already convince your parent/s that you need the following, a 12gauge semi auto shotgun (no waiting period in most states unlike handguns, I am also assuming that the you're too young to purchase firearms.) I highly recommend the Benelli M4 essentially idiot proof after you chamber the first round, and you have 5 shots. While at the gun store Pick up at least 3 boxes of shells 2 of buck shot 00 and #4 and 1 box of slugs. You might as well go for the 3" versions of the Rounds the shotgun will chamber them and you will get a little more bang out ot them with more pellets. Once you have your gun and ammo it is time to head to a Sam's Club or Cost Co.

Step 4: Provisions: you will need enough bottled water and canned food for you, and at least 2 people that you absolutely trust to last 2 weeks if necessary. Also you will need two or three 5 gallon buckets with air tight sealing lids, Toilet paper and lots of air freshening spray, and 4 can openers.

Step 5: Now you go pick up your 2 friends. Go Straight there do not leave the car call them from your cell phone and have them run to your car leaving only the door they are getting in unlocked.

Step 6: Find an empty parking lot with at least 100 yards of visibility and load your new shotgun in the following order: Slug, Slug, oo Buck, #4 Buck. Now you rack the bolt and chamber a round and then add another #4 Buck. As you do this you divide up the supplies for your friends to carry leaving you free to yield the shot gun. Now keep this loaded and ready shotgun in your lap and drive carefully so as not to get the police interested in you.

Step 7: Now go back to your house and the room you have preselected carrying all of your supplies in one trip if possible. And settle in for the wait with your backs to the wall facing the only entrance. You will have to take turns keeping watch break it up in 4 hour shifts that way no one loses too much sleep the person on watch Always has the shotgun and it is always pointed at the door. Useful tip Pile your empty cans and water bottles by the door so the Killer can't get through without making noise.

Step 8: This is vital this step cannot be violated at all. DO NOT LET ANYONE LEAVE THE ROOM AT ALL.

Now you are all set up in a good defensible position and if the killer is stupid like they all are he won't be able to resist the chance to get three of you at once so you will be waiting probably a day at the most. Then when Mr. Killer comes through the door making a lot of noise whoever has the watch opens fire with the shot gun. Good tip here keep your back to the wall but be leaning forward so you don't break your shoulder when it gets hammered by recoil have room to let your body move with it. After you have emptied the magazine into Mr. Killer reload. Even if he had been wearing body armor he should be on his back from the impact of the projectiles. The ft/lbs from 5 12 gauge loads should have floored him for a few seconds at least. Once reloaded slowly approach him until you get a clear head shot. Take it. Follow with a shot into each hip joint. If you haven't ruined the carpet with his brain matter and blood yet you are dealing with the supernatural and this guide was worthless....... Sorry


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